Grow and Glow: Allison Fleming
Empowering Survivors while Creating Change: Advocating for Sexual Assault Awareness Month
April is an important month for raising awareness about sexual assault and promoting prevention efforts. It is a pervasive issue that affects individuals from all walks of life, regardless of their age, gender, race or socio-economic status. As friends, families and supporters of individuals who have gone through sexual assault, it is important to consistently learn more about consent education, sexual assault awareness and the stats, and promote organizations that are working to provide support to survivors and provide education. Organizations such as Salal Sexual Violence Support Centre, Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton, Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centres and Anonymous Angels are amazing, safe spaces for survivors and for individuals to learn more.
What is sexual assault?
It can range from unwanted sexual touching to forced sexual intercourse. In most situations, the assaulter is abusing a position of trust, power, or authority, for example, the person can be a romantic partner, friend, acquaintance, family member to a complete stranger. Always remember that whatever the past or present relationship between the people involved is, it is never too late to look for help.
Please be advised, the following sensitive content may contain topics that some readers may find distressing or triggering. Reader discretion is advised.
Allison Fleming’s Background
Allison is the creator and founder of Anonymous Angels YEG based in Edmonton, Alberta. Anonymous Angels is a safe and non-judgmental space that invites people to speak up, talk about their truth while educating others about the realities of sexual assault, while working towards creating a world where everyone is free from the fear of sexual violence. Throughout high school, she was involved in student council and an avid soccer player who played on a high level team. Unfortunately, a severe ankle injury caused her to abruptly end her career. Allison describes herself as an outgoing and extroverted person with a warrior story to share. She is 24 years old, and is currently residing in Iowa, United States completing her doctorate of Chiropractic degree.
Allison’s Survivor Story
At the age of 14 years old, Allison encountered her first assaulter, a boy she liked. In her words, “I didn’t realise that I was being assaulted until I was 16 getting counselling at SACE (Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton) for another assault that had happened”. At the time, he was 15 and Allison was very fond of him. Allison mentioned “the idea of liking a guy or even dating a guy was to just hug, maybe hold hands. When he asked me to do more stuff, I responded saying that was for two people who love each other and are going to get married”. He replied, “Ok I’m going to get a condom”. Allison did not want to have sex. After that first encounter, Allison would always clarify that she just wanted “to hang out”. However, he consistently forced and pressured Allison to take part in things that she did not want to do. At the time, she did not know what sexual assault was. Although, these encounters caused her to learn really unhealthy beliefs and have an erroneous understanding about sex, which affected her deeply. Allison began to believe that she was obligated to give this boy sex for him to feel good, despite telling him she did not want to.
A year later, Allison was assaulted by another guy she liked. She said, “when I was 15 I liked a boy, he was 16… before we hung out for the first time he literally texted me and said, “I am going to rape you”. Allison did not really know what rape meant, she was confused and brushed it off. However, this guy continued to pressure Allison into things she did not want to partake in nor consent to. Allison formed what is called a trauma bond… according to Erica Laub, trauma bond “happens when an abuser uses manipulation tactics and cycles of abuse to make the victim feel dependent on them for care and validation, causing a strong attachment or bond’’(2022). It took about five years for Allison to overcome these encounters.
However, later on, when Allison was 16 years old, at her first job, KFC/Taco Bell in Terwillegar Towne, Edmonton. After a year and a half of working there, one night her manager assaulted her in the bathroom.
In her words, one day at work he was telling her he was going to teach Allison how to clean the bathroom that night. Allison thought this was weird because she had been working there for a year and a half…at the end of her shift, he locked her in the bathroom stall and assaulted her. After Allison left the washroom, she went to the backroom to grab her stuff because her dad was waiting outside the restaurant to pick her up. When Allison was in the back grabbing her bag, another worker assaulted her.
“I remember leaving that night thinking, what the f**k just happened… then my manager locked the restaurant door behind me and said “do not tell anyone” as he waved to my dad.” Allison went home and went straight into the basement away from her family. She immediately called her best friend to tell her what happened. The next day at school Allison’s bestfriend told her she was raped… Allison was confused by the term “rape” and could not believe that was what happened. Allison said “I was withdrawing from people completely and was not being my normal self. I told a couple more friends about what happened. I did not tell my parents, and I dreaded going to work and was trying to find any reason to quit. Going to work the following two weeks was terrible. My manager would sexually harass me, and my co-worker would lock me in the food cooler and would not let me out until I kissed him.”
After two weeks of dealing with this harassment plus not sleeping at night and relying on her friends for emotional support, Allison ended up telling her mom. Allison hit a breaking point when her “friend called [her] a burden” to this day that word still makes Allison cringe, it was the worst thing to ever be called. Allison went to her parents' room crying, and her mom asked her what was wrong, but she was not able to say the words. Her mom then handed Allison a piece of paper and pen and told her to write it. “I wrote in a few words what happened at work. Then my mom made me tell her the whole story from start to finish. She gave me a hug and tucked me into bed. The next morning she woke me up and asked me again to tell her what happened. After I told her again, she told me that she called the police and they were going to be on their way.” Allison did not understand why the police were called… her first thought was that she never meant to get anyone in trouble. Once the police arrived, Allison explained to them what happened and gave a written statement. Then victim services were sent to her house. “In the coming weeks, I had several meetings at the police station with the detective, and I began counselling at SACE. The waitlist at the time was six months to a year but my mom fought for me to get in the following week. Long story short, my case ended up in court. After a week of my trial, it got mistrialed. I had another trial the following year. My heart shattered as I heard the words - not guilty - to both his charges.”
How has this impacted you physically, mentally, your schooling, your relationships?
“My life felt unbearable and I felt hopeless. I was scared all the time. I would run to and from the bus and was always checking my surroundings. I was so worried that I would run into him. I felt so vulnerable”.
When did you begin to reach out for help and what was that like?
“Reaching out was both good and bad. My mom was my absolute rock, victim services was absolutely incredible and was there for me every step of the way. However, the negatives included my friends were in high school, they were young, and did not necessarily know what to say. My one friend calling me a burden had a significant impact on me. As well other people would say things like, “oh well at least you knew him!”, and another individual said “if you would have joined my martial arts class, this would not have happened to you.” Allison first-handedly experienced what victim-blaming was and the heavy impact it has on survivors.
How did you decide to take your case to court? What was the court experience like?
“As I mentioned, it was my mom who called the police, after she got me to repeat the incident. To put it in one word - court was traumatizing. I don’t tend to talk about court a lot with many people because it was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. When I was being assaulted, I did not know what was happening at the time. The actual act of being assaulted was not as bad as having to go through court twice. My first trial was mis-trialed after a week. Court is just a game to the lawyers, his lawyer was trying to find any excuse to get it mis-trialed. The lawyer was hoping that with the Jordan Decision, which “establishes timelines that trials must be heard by” (The Supreme Court of Canada, 2016), the case would just be dropped altogether.
However, it was not until a year later I had to go through trial all over again. It was horrible. Having to be in the same room as him, being yelled at by his lawyer. The fact that a monkey could tell that he was guilty, yet someone could defend him…and that the end decision was “not guilty” by the jury. I feel confident that the jury actually did believe me, I think they did think he was guilty but there was no physical video footage. Sexual assault cases just do not belong in court… how can you prove sexual assault beyond a reasonable doubt when there is no physical video footage showing the actual incident?”
Allison explained that there was footage of before and after the incident, but not any in the actual bathroom. During the trial, it was the first time Allison saw the “before and after” footage while she sat on the stand. “I could not help but break down as I watched this nightmare unfold. Before court, my therapist asked me why I thought he assaulted me, to which I told her “I do not know, because I am hot?”. Without knowing any of the details of what had happened to me, my therapist told me two things for a fact: first, it was not because I was hot… I was a child and second, it was premeditated. I did not believe her at the time, and told her that he would never purposefully do that or plan that out, it just happened. But watching the video footage while I was on the stand, made me hysterically breakdown, because you could clearly see without a doubt, the premeditation.”
What was your healing journey like? What helped you the most? How do you continue to work towards healing daily? How are you now?
Allison’s greatest coping strategy at the time was keeping herself insanely busy, so she did not have time to be alone with her thoughts. Allison viewed this as a good survival technique, but it never really allowed her to sit with herself and reflect on how she felt about being assaulted, or about what happened. To this day, Allison said “I struggle with talking about how it made me feel. However, I was so fortunate to have the love and support of my family, especially my mom who spent countless nights talking to me and comforting me. Plus, the lady I worked with from victim services was so amazing, she was with me every step of the way. I will never forget when she told me, “one day this is going to feel like a blip in the road”. I could not believe it at the time, but I promise this is true. Time does heal. I used to feel like a victim and I used to feel vulnerable. It used to be all I thought about. But with time, therapy, and reflection, I have grown to be a warrior. I turned the terrible experiences I had into advocating for survivors of sexual violence and spreading a message of hope, through Anonymous Angels.”
Can you please share how you ask for and give consent?
“I think one of the unfortunate, yet valuable, lessons that being assaulted taught me is that there's many ways to say no. I believe that so many people are misinformed. This ultimately leads to victim blaming, when people say things like "well did you physically say no" "did you kick him in the groin" “were you drunk?” etc.” The victim is never at fault.
“Consent is really easy to understand - consent means YES. If I ask someone if they want to do something and the answer that I receive is anything other than yes, then I immediately interpret that as no. If someone sounds unsure, or says "maybe" or "I don't know" - these are CLEAR indications that they are not giving you consent. Because my "NO" was not respected, I am HUGE on respecting when people communicate no to me, however they may communicate it. How I respond to someone saying no is usually with a reassuring and enthusiastic "okay! no worries!", to demonstrate my respect for their personal decision to say no.”
What do you think about the myths and misconceptions surrounding sexual assault?
“Myths are extremely harmful to survivors. I have dealt with it first hand on so many occasions. Just last month I confided in a friend and told them I had been assaulted and the first thing out of their mouth was "Did you know them? Did you flirt with them?". The truth is, sexual violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, regardless of ability or disability. A lot of the myths around sexual violence are exactly that, myths.
The language you use with survivors matters. The best thing to do is to listen non-judgmentally and compassionately. Talking to someone about sexual violence can be really difficult, particularly if you have never experienced it yourself, you may not know the right thing to say or how to respond appropriately. In my experience, I was always able to hold space and compassion for people who demonstrated their effort in trying to understand and trying to be thoughtful in their responses; even if they did not say the right thing. You never know the impact of your words, good or bad! If you are really unsure of what to say, show the person you care by saying "thank you for confiding in me. I am so sorry that happened to you. I do not know exactly what to say but I care deeply about you and I am sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it and you are not to blame."
Any encouraging words you would like to share with our Glow Community?
“Life is worth living. Your life is not over, even though it may feel like it at the time. Even though you may feel like you will never date again or ever get married. You will. Healing is possible and healing is beautiful. Know that you are not alone”. - Allison
Final Notes
It is never the victim's fault. Believe the victim. Validate the victim’s experience.
Remember, it is up to the survivor to decide if and when they are ready to seek help, and it is our role as friends, family or supporters to create a safe and non-judgmental space for them. If someone discloses to you:
LISTEN: listen to their story with sensitivity, respect their autonomy and avoid labelling their experience.
BELIEVE: thank the individual for trusting you, express that is not their fault and that you believe them. Validate their experience.
EMPOWER: recognize that everyone's healing journey is unique, suggest potential resources/support, and ask if you can follow-up to continue support.
PRACTICE SELF-CARE: check-in with yourself and your mental and emotional state, decipher what you currently need and realistically what amount of support can you provide. Enforce healthy boundaries.
Local organizations and resources available:
VictimLink BC (www.victimlinkbc.ca)
Surrey Mobile Assault Response Team (SMART) is a 24-hour mobile crisis response for survivors of a physical or sexual assault who need emergency medical treatment.
Salal Sexual Violence Support Centre (www.salalsvsc.ca): 24-Hour Crisis & Information Line (604-255-6344)
Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton (www.sace.ca)
Alberta’s One Line for Sexual Violence: Call or text 1-866-403-8000
Glow Within’s “Let’s Talk Consent” Resource Page
Allison’s Organization Anonymous Angels
Thank you Allison for sharing your story with us and our Glow Community💛
GROW & GLOW: A series that highlights firsthand accounts, personal experiences, and stories of inspiration from our community and beyond.
Written by Amely Rivera
Edited by Claire Connop
